The Spirit of Christmas: Adventures in Gracious Receiving

Let me first set the stage for you dear reader:I'm standing in the grocery line up with a few items to tie me over for a bit of the Christmas holidays. I know I will be spending most of Christmas with my parents, so I've picked out a few canned and frozen items to pull out for when I am back home. Being off for almost two weeks, but staying in town means there is that funny house shuffle. How long should I stay with Mom and Dad, and when  do I go home to my place and just come visit?

Enter, the Plot Twist...

In the midst of this excellent inner banter I open my wallet to notice that I am sans debit card. I knew I used it last night to put gas in my car, and knowingly put it back in my jacket pocket. I told myself: "Don't forget you put this here!" Not my usual move. I am typically methodical about getting that sucker back where it belongs so it doesn't get left behind. Creature of habit and all that. I am constantly doing what I can to prevent unnecessary panic in my life like any normal adult...Ha.

I looked at my credit card. This silly thing has been the bane of my existence since it came to me. My previous card was great. I shopped with it, I went online and purchased my books for university, Christmas gifts from Amazon and on the list goes--without a hiccup. My new credit card, that arrived all shiney and new in the summer because my old one had expired has been iffy at best when it works. It needs a special code to go online. The website to create one never seems to work...The chip in the card doesn't work, so I have to swipe it and sign like the old days, when it chooses to work. So as you can see, I really don't use it...ever...I have a $0.00 balance on there because of this. So despite all these things, it should work!

So I reach for my credit card knowing that it is likely not going to work and I am going to have to use the cash I have on hand (thankfully...sort of.) The card doesn't work, despite my faith in it.

I sigh. I'm 26 and I look like some poor youth who's just having a crappy Christmas. The total is about $15 more than the $40 I have on hand. So I have to start the awkward renegotiation with the cashier about what I am going to have to take out of my bag. There is a father and daughter behind me watching all of this go down. I, of course, am trying to ignore the fact that my quick trip to the grocery store has now become a bit of a misadventure.

As I am starting to pull items out of the bags in front of me the father behind me leans forward and asks:

 "You have $40? And how much is the bill?"

The cashier explains that it is I am just $15 dollars short.

At this point I am dying of embarrassment inside. The song "Independent Women" by Destiny's Child is now playing backwards in my mind...

The father smiles and says to me:

"If you give me that $40, I will pay for the rest. It's Christmas after all."

I manage to get out a typical:

"Oh thank you, that is very kind of you to do that." and hand him the $40.

He promptly hands the $40 dollars to his daughter and says:

"Here's the money I owe you." She beams and takes the cash.

I begin to make some hack attempt at apologizing and storytelling to try to cover my embarrassment about not having my debit card on hand and what could be wrong with my credit card. I wore a different jacket this morning...blah blah blah.

He just smiles knowingly and says:

"Don't even worry about it. I've been there. And it's Christmas."

As I am walking out with my groceries I am having this inner argument of feeling super embarrassed but very touched at the same time.

I am stuck between the voice that says:

"I cannot believe you left that at home! You are fallin' apart girl! Get it together!"

And the other one that says:

"You do so much for other people, just accept it! It's Christmas!"

Then I remember the look on the father's face. He was really happy. He was happy to have the opportunity to help. And he wanted to help. His daughter was happy too!

So why was I feeling like I wanted to disappear?!

To Resolve the Tale...

My independent nature makes me strong, but it also makes me very proud. I pat myself on the back for how I give, support and donate. I take great satisfaction in how I endeavor to bring good things to other people. I am very often described as "incredibly kind and extremely generous."

Unfortunately, this can also translate in to an occasional stubbornness that keeps me from asking for help when I need it, or voicing my needs with urgency and resolve. I'll express a need and if I sense the other person is unavailable or resistant to helping I'll back down and just deal with it myself. Even when I know that the right choice would have been to stay firm on my needs being met. I'll do what I can to help those around me, but will struggle to let people into my "mess". I'll keep quiet or talk in extremely vague and annoyingly ambiguous terms that drive my close friends crazy. I am so often content to be the giver that receiving makes me feel...weird. But, enough about my many quirks and character flaws that I am working on...

So again, I am smacked in the face with a lesson I have been working on this year:

If you want to give grace to others, you have to receive it. 

If you want to give genuine love to others, you have to receive it.

If you want a true friendship with others, you have to receive it. 

If you want to be authentically generous to others, you have to receive that too! 

It is not just what I do to and for others, it is also very much about what I allow and receive from those around me as well.

So I thought about the father and the daughter and what had just happened. I thought about the family and friends this year who have given me gifts of their time, shared meals and drinks with me, brought me soup and tea when I was sick, bought me "just because I thought of you gifts", invited me to join them in whatever they were doing, held me close as I helplessly wept huge, hot, rolling tears in public (yet another thing I NEVER DO), kindly supported, wrote cards, emailed, called, skyped, messaged, shared wisdom, and encouraged me this year when I really really needed it. 

Did I give them the joy and satisfaction of helping me? Did I personally and completely receive the gift that was given? Did I soak in that moment of being seen, validated and chosen?  Did I embrace the gift and express genuine gratitude? Did I ask for things I needed and then allowed them to be given? Yes I did. 

I know I am getting so much better at this, especially this year, and tonight was another good reminder. The Christmas Spirit speaks to the joy of giving and receiving in both the practical and the intangible. Both must be practiced in order to experience the joy and love of Christmas. We step deeper into life when we can do both. We step deeper into love and the richness of the human experience as well. We experience balance and a rounding out of our hard edges, and rough spots. 

At Christmas we talk about the birth of Christ. "...Let Earth Receive Her King." We must have open hands and hearts to receive both the expected and the unexpected gifts that come our way. I have to wonder if this is not perfect timing to bring in the new year as well...It is a fine art, to give and receive everything in our lives with grace and gratitude. 

Epilogue:

Oh, and when I got home and checked my jacket I thought I had left the debit card in...It wasn't there. Turns out it was caught up in a pile of gift cards I had been given to me as Christmas gifts, in the "vast" recesses of my purse. 

Oh. Sweet. Irony. 

Merry Christmas and all the very best in the New Year everyone!