.:.It may very well be a good thing that I fell, and have been brought nearly full circle. The smaller crevasses on the narrow road I walk will no longer hold me victim. But I do fear, out of knowledge of great pain and sorrow, have I hardened my heart so I cannot feel or whim as I once did? Or do I simply refuse to look down until it is a sure and steady valley I have fallen into? Am I looking into the great yawn of land and grasping tightly for a rope, swearing and shouting that I can't or I wont? Is is truly out of learned wisdom that I cling? Or is it out of selfish and unnecessary fear? I have many, many questions, and I do not believe that they will be answered by New Year.:.
.:.But I trust in a Greater God than that. One who not only says "Wait." "Come here, and walk a while." "No." and "Yes." But one who provides and protects. I may scream for silence some days, indigent of my supposed uselessness, leaving myself more short sighted than the last. Fear take you place, far from my heart. Far from my wounds, and far from those I love.:.
.:.Would that I become the cause of failure, all because of my desire to coddle myself and say "Woe, woe for the pain, woe for the shame, woe for the trails, woe for the miles, woe for the unanswered questions." and bury myself away in a dark tunnel of pain. That I could cause my dearest hearts to stumble, because I was not there to support them, all because of my wailing in the darkness for a millstone that was hung around my neck. To the darkness, I light a candle. To the darkness I continue to put a fight. When the loneliness and futility of evening comes clawing and gnawing at my inner strength, I put it down. I light a thousand candles, I light a bonfire. I burn away the darkness with light and truth.:.
.:.There will always be pain. There will not always be the pain that smacks of this bitter tear. It will come rolling with the seas, or thundering from the heavens. It may shoot from the Earth or fall from the sky. Pulling out and pulling back up is the continued test. Can I move beyond these days, to grow in strength and character, to better serve my fellow people.:.
.:.I serve a God of purpose and passion. One who desires the best and who plans and orchestrates all the while our eyes are closed, wide with wonder, or are shrouded behind stone veils. He is the mighty mountain mover, one who speaks to the birds of the air, and walks the side walks I travel on from here to there. He in great might, and compassion, sees all and gave all. How could I fear? Why should I fear with such a fortress as this on my side. He has surrounded me on every side. To fortify and drive weakness, meekness and fear from my heart. Passionately desiring my furthered development, that I should not stay the same, and should serve the greatest calling. To love, to serve, to light and be the salt of the Earth. No matter where I find myself. No matter how average, normal or surprising.:.
.:.Pain burns like fire. One more punch, one more stride, one more push. It builds and removes all that can be consumed in its path. It has gotten to the point where my pain is my comfort some days. Reminding me I am alive, in some strange way. I think it may be time for me to stop binding my wounds so tight, and start asking God where I may set my pain down again. I believe His answer would be, "Squarely on My shoulders." I hate feeling afraid. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling like I am not in control. I hate having something ripped out of my hands. I hate feeling like a tight ball is no longer the safest position. I hate how I have let pain haunt me as well. I hate being stressed. But mostly I hate being tired.:.
.:.I do have a choice. I can just not walk those corridors. I can avoid those goat trails I have made for myself. I can re-prioritize. I have to trust that no matter how much I wanted to be, wanted to have, wanted to be part of, wanted to say, wanted to hold, wanted to shout, wanted to be known, wanted to be victorious, wanted to be noted, wanted to be a person of meaning that I have a tomorrow to give that gift to someone else. All has a season, all has a time. But I have a choice. Keep looking at the scars, or keep pointing upwards and accepting the grace, believing in the future, and grasping the brief moments I have been given.:.
Despite its challenges, November can become a New-vember filled with joy.
Wishing each of you greatest joy, freedom and continued renewal throughout the winter and Christmas season.
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