Change is Noisy

2017 has been a year of great change. Todd and I uprooted ourselves and moved over 1000 km away from what was my world for 17 years. And, we were 6 months apart in our moving dates, when I flew in on January 1st.

So, 9 plus months later, we find ourselves at the foot of another mountain we shall scale together. Another move and more time apart.

Since he flew off to another province for training, just about a month ago, I have found myself trying to mentally and emotionally catch my breath.

I hear my heart whisper: "Change is noisy."

I have spent much of my life being a stubborn, headstrong and proud first-born daughter. I must be first, excellent and know everything before I get there. Control the controllable, which is most often fixated on me and my circumstances, because that keeps me "safe". So here, in the midst of having moved, changed careers, trying to make peace with myself for leaving 10 years of training and my black belt exam behind, moving away from my family and friends, I find myself looking down the road at another move and more change again.

I'd say that I am change adverse, but that would be a lie. *stare at the camera and break the fourth wall face.*

I like the change that I chose. I like to be in the drivers seat. I like to feel like it was my idea, and that I'm going to be okay because I say so. *insert knowingly embarrassed laughter here.*

When Todd came to my office to deliver coffee and news of his job offer and what it would entail, my heart leaped and sunk. Moving again? What about our future? What about our plans to get married here and have kids? Where will we live? I just got here! I don't want to leave my team! I spewed thoughts out, a million miles an hour to Todd and then caught myself. I sighed inwardly at myself and put on my best big girl face and said: "Okay. What is the plan? What are your thoughts love?"

We talked, as much as you can in ten minutes about multiple angles, choices and possibilities. Todd said he would think about it and would get back to the company once we had come to a consensus.

I went back into the office and sat myself down in my supervisors office. I told her I needed some "Boss / Mom" advice. We had a heart to heart, I let out my fears, my excitement and some gigantic, hot, rolling tears like a little girl. She came rushing over to give me a hug and knocked the coffee out of my hands by accident. We still laugh about it: "Don't hug with hot coffee!"

It was his birthday that day, so we went for lunch to keep talking it over. By the end of lunch, we had reached an agreement. This was a phenomenal career opportunity for him, and now was the best time for him to get on board. We are committed for the long haul, so working out the logistics of getting married, which city we will settle down in and what both of our careers in that city will look like will come with time.

I got back to my office, and announced the news that he accepted the job offer. Here we go again.

Again, I heard my heart whisper: "Change is noisy."

Loving someone and wanting to build a life with them feels like a series of key exchanges some days. I get the key that unlocks being able to hold your hand. You get the key that unlocks sharing new favorite pastimes together. We both exchange keys that unlock various levels of blending and finding the middle ground of individual freedoms with a shared vision for the future. And sometimes the levels of personal sacrifice we make in different seasons can be hard to see, hard to measure and uncomfortable to shoulder, no matter how temporary. Our minds wander into the yawning abyss of change and we can come up with both reasons for or reasons against moving out of the "known" and "unknown" places we have set up camp.

 Todd and I did our best to make the most of our time before he left. Making up for the dates we wouldn't be able to have while he was gone, squeezing in visits with friends and family, and trying to make sure that he had everything in order before he flew out. I didn't cry until I saw his Mom as I was coming out of the airport after saying goodbye. It was so comforting to see her, to chat, to laugh and get hugs in. I love his family so very much, and they have been so kind, supportive of us, and sensitive to this move and the next.

My best friend Heather had planned to visit me, 19 hours south west of her home, by way of the highway, just after Todd left. We had been talking about that in May, back when this career move was not even anywhere near our radar. She came to town for just over a week. We soaked up rest, laughter, books,life, our careers, our families and some outdoor adventure. We even made a trip out to the coast. I needed this gentle buffer and this time of something and someone so dearly familiar in the midst of having so much "new" around. I had almost uninterrupted access to "my big sister." There was someone at home to say hi when I came in the door, make food with and put the world on pause with. A truly sacred gift of time and presence.

Just before Thanksgiving, Heather headed back east, and I was left again, for the first time in a while, in a very quite house.

My inner introvert and my anxiety both knocked on my heart saying in unison: "Change is noisy."

I've had so many moments of feeling overstimulated from the sheer amount of "newness" I have been surrounded by in this year. It isn't just my sister we have to plan skype dates with anymore, it is our whole family.  I'm in a hybrid position in my office, so I technically report to three departments, and I am learning most of what I do now, from scratch. Which is the equivalent of working while going to school, after coming out with a masters degree in something else. I'm not at a dojo, I don't really do that much graphic design any more, and so much of that weird: "you've lived here for so long everyone knows you and your family" pass card is gone. Our church is working on getting to know me. My identity is now tied to Todd and his family. My identity is also tied to who I am and what I am doing for this community I call home now.

I've had a desperate need for quiet, for distraction and for a sense of grounding. I've heard myself think: "I just need a few minutes to figure this out. I have to come up with a solution based strategy for this. I just have to think Project Management." Riiiight...

My sense of home is in flux a bit because my "home" is currently in another province, working away for the next few weeks. I'm homesick in a different way...because I want a stable sense of home and roots. I do miss my family too. I've needed productive hours alone, doing onerous and boring adult work to allow my subconscious to process and adjust to this next change. All I've wanted to do is just play Dragon Age: Inquisition and just shut my brain off while storming castles and coasts. I have to move out of my basement suite, into Todd's place to take over the rental when he moves to another city. It feels like our life is a revolving door of phone calls, papers and moving boxes.

Yes, change is noisy. It is disruptive. It is a counter melody abruptly playing over our current favorite top 40 hit. It means more conversations, more phone calls, more emails, messages and letters. It means changing up the way you have been doing things. It means that things might be tough for a little while, or for a long time. It is uncomfortable because it is this new presence at your soul's dinner table, and you are awkwardly trying to break the ice with light conversation, and all they want to do is get straight to the point. Eating the meal right in front of them.

Now, I don't want you to think that I have spent all this time complaining about this change or this year. Because seriously, we have had it soooo good. We received more positive change and blessings in this move than we could have ever imagined or asked for. We live in one of the MOST beautiful places--and best kept secrets--on the planet, our family here is wonderful, our friends and church community are incredible, I absolutely love my "work family" and the fantastic group I serve with. My hungry brain has an endless supply of things to learn and be stretched by. I have the responsibility and honor of stepping out of the office and meeting face to face with the great many people who make this area as awesome as it is, and are invested in seeing it grow. And my family, bless their hearts, have done so much to include, connect and do their best to make the distance seem less so every week.

I remember before I flew out of Kamloops, having many, and I mean MANY heart to hearts with my previous supervisor and my Sensei. I needed to have additional perspectives and they were ready and willing to help me talk and walk it out. Sensei mentioned at one point that I needed to stay open to the fact that this move is a good opportunity to try something brand new, and not just stick with the safe and familiar. He also mentioned that I could get a blackbelt at any time if I wanted to, that was up to me.

In the midst of all the moments of feeling lost, feeling confident, excited and on the edge of a brave new adventure, Todd has been, and continues to be, a constant and loving companion. He has had his own "row to hoe" while being back home, and we have both done what we can to support each other in our individual walks, and as a couple. Moving up here meant that I left so much of what I thought made me, "me", behind. Just about everything I was known to be, or be a part of has been set aside for a new path. So I was just left with me. Who I chose to be, what my actions dictate and how I invest myself. And that has been a new experience for me. I can't just talk about who I know, or what group I am affiliated with anymore. I have to show up, share my story and be willing to receive the same from those around me.

As flat out exciting as it is, and exhausting some days, it is ultimately for my greater good that this move took place, and any more change that comes our way. I have found, in these most recent days, as I have wrestled with the change and the changes ahead, that it has reignited some of my creativity and creating for myself, motivation, and softened some edges that had become hard. Change forces us to stay pliable, flexible and movable. I have seen God have His hand in so much of what has happened over the past 9 months, I could talk your ear off. But, I will save that for another time. For now, I have a greater sense of knowing that I don't know what lies ahead, and I am at peace about that for today, and that is what matters.We are called to go where we are needed and serve there, and change is part of that. Even in the planned for, and unexpected change. So much can change in the space of 24 hours. So for today, in these 24 hours, I am at peace with the change that lies around me, the change that lies ahead and the changes that have taken place in my heart.

Change may be noisy, but in its midst, I have my own song to sing.