Criminally Offensive Love

Love is a funny creature.

We are called to "do unto others as we would have done unto us". The whole "Golden Rule" business. In the same breath we are called to turn the other cheek, and be generous in our grace. That we would be vessels of mercy to one another. Yes, love in its active and action form is complex. It asks a lot of us. We also receive a lot in return when it is healthy and growing.

But do not confuse "love" for the selfishness we see. The self interested and seemingly "safe" culture around us. The surface attachment people have to their own life and other human beings can be shocking.

I don't write this because I'm pointing fingers. Having been inside a few myself, for my own either ignorant or selfish reasons. I've been the perpetrator as well as the enabler for this kind of "complicated modern relationship". So if my comments seem heavy handed, there is a lot of hard earned wisdom and uncomfortable truth behind it. I get it. More than you know.

This is wrong. 

There really is no other way to put it, I can't candy coat it for you to make it easier. 

We have made it socially acceptable for both men and women to be indecisive, disrespectful and devalued when we make it okay to wander in and out of grey areas. These relationships say: "I don't actually care about you that much. I care about myself and my needs more." And that my friends, is the truth of the matter.

Here are some of my "favorites":

"Why do things have to change?"

"I don't like putting labels on things."

"I don't know how I feel about you."

"I just don't think I can love you the way you want."

"Why can't we just keep this between us?"

"Why do you even want to be my BF/GF? You just want the title so you can go and tell all your friends."

"I don't have to have someone tell me they love me to know that they care." 

"Well it is not hurting anyone."

1. "Why do things have to change?" Because change is part of living on earth and being a human being. Because we are supposed to grow together. Because strangers become friends, babies are born, loved ones die, and sometimes it changes from rain to snow. There is a natural attachment that either is established and grows, or doesn't click and fades. One or the other. Grown adults are well aware of the passage of time. Go ask your Dad, he'll tell you. Bottom line, don't like it? Either cut bait or go fish. 
2. "I don't like putting labels on things." Just the same way you don't own your car, your insurance, your home, and your shoes? Do you call your sibling "human" too? Just to keep things nice and distant?  And when did being someone's BF or GF become such a painstakingly scary thing? It's nothing like getting married! We have placed too many unrealistic expectations on relationships and are so afraid of the reality that some succeed and some, fail, terribly. That is the nature of being alive. Risk is always present! We don't label things when we don't want to be involved or held responsible and accountable for actions within the immediate situation. This is the imaginary "Get out of Jail Free" card. It means you don't have to consider the other person, their feelings or their needs as important. You have no title? You have no say or rights on what the other person does. Oh, and no feelings either. You soulless machine you...On the flip-side, if you stay in one of these, you are saying you don't have a positive, personal ownership over your own identity either. Think about it. We each have a price that we sell our time, our love and our abilities for. You set that price. You have chosen it for yourself. You set your self worth based on which ideas and treatment you accept. As soon as you say "Yes" to a thought and entertain it more than once, you have officially agreed that it is somehow acceptable.
3. "I don't know how I feel about you." Remember in elementary school when you didn't know an answer? You looked it up in a dictionary or an encyclopedia. You sought the answer. You would not be satisfied with a plateful of curiosity. No decision is still a decision. You are saying "No." as passive aggressively as possible. Another distancing tactic. If you don't answer, they'll never know, nor will they catch you. You'll never fall in love, and you'll never get hurt. Let me know how that works out for you...
4. "I just don't think I can love you the way you want." As in at all? Thanks for clarifying that one for me. Do you want to tell me what your great measure of my needs and my love is, even though WE haven't had a conversation about OUR respective needs? Like, communicate for a moment on a person to person level. Oh you can't? That's your final answer? Next. Seriously, final answer on number one works just fine here. 
5. "Why can't we just keep this between us?" The secret code on this one is: they likely have some side action going, are enjoying playing the field, are just not that into you and you should RUN NOW. Do not, under ANY circumstances stick around. When you are with someone who loves you, they are proud to be with you, to be seen with you, to invest in you and want to tell their community all about you. They are willing to take the risk that it may or may not work out, and regardless of that factor, you are so much of an incredible person, they too are ready to share their heart and their life. Regardless of the context of how or when the relationship started, if you aren't willing to talk about it because of either your own feelings or the other person's, neither of you are honoring or respecting the other. Where there is truth, there is light. 
6. "Why do you even want to be my BF/GF? You just want the title so you can go and tell all of your friends."  When grown-ups love each other very much, they talk to one another about relevant issues in their relationship. As they are both mutually invested in the care and growth of one another's love and life, they know you have to make time for this. This is called doing a "relationship check in". They don't do it because it is comfortable, fun or easy. They do it because it is root pulling in their garden. You remove rocks together that you may have allowed in together. You get rid of hole digging badgers and rebuild fences. We correct and teach one another on how we want to be treated. But always in love. So when someone asks about the "Label" or "Title" question, they are hopefully, asking because they want the responsibility and association that is linked with it...and not the social crown to wave around. An arrogant statement for sure if you read your partner wrong. Consider the following: Why do I tell people my last name? Because I am proud of my family, my lineage and my history. I WANT people to know who I am and who I am associated with and on what level. I am responsible to them, I am part of them and I own my identity within that, as it reflects on them and myself.
7. "I don't have to have someone tell me they love me to know that they care." Yes, love is an action word. It is a verb. It must be shown to be known. It can't be all talk and no show. But remember, there are actually 5 love languages, and not every person has them in the same order. You may have been hurt by a talker, or someone may have said it so much that it meant nothing any more. If you are with someone who's love language is words of affirmation, you are BOTH going to have to work on that one together. Love languages can't just be shoved off the plate because it isn't YOUR love language. You have to grow together. Make a point to know about each other's love languages, their personality, character and conflict sequence. Just sayin'... Example: My Dad is not a super "huggy" person. I love hugs and I love giving them. I have felt him over the years tune into this as a father, and I appreciate that he sees my love language as valuable to the point where he will intentionally return it. His is quality time, for the record. Part of the reason why I love going with Dad to do errands. ;)  
8. "Well it is not hurting anyone." If one of you in the relationship has raised the issue, it's hurting someone alright. And when you care about someone, you care about their hurt too. Compassion, grace and care are never a bad idea.  

I have been guilty of staying in these kind of relationships because somehow I thought I could convince them of my worth, my love and what a "fantastic girlfriend" I would make. Well, if the jury isn't even attending the court because they "want to keep it light", there is NO WAY you are even going to be able to make your case. And you shouldn't have to, in all honesty. Either they get it or they don't. They will do what it takes to show you that they are attentive, focused, want to be there, want you to be a part of their world and want to put forward a sincere effort to see where the relationship could go. 

Relationships like this make love a crime. They besmirch the name of love. They literally drag it through the streets and don't even attend the hanging. For a culture that is so focused on love, peace and happiness, this is one area where we drop the ball. They make love and being in love and loving one another passe and unacceptable.

This goes for both women and men. We are guilty of ALL of the above. We steal time from one another. We crave attention, we avoid stillness and loneliness at all costs. We are so often selfish, impatient and frustrated. So we go find people with matching wounds, the same apathy and mutually agreed upon insensitivity. Fill my time, fill my heart and distract me...please?

We don't take time to know ourselves. 

Which is the greatest irony of it all. If we did take time to do things on our own, and be content in our solitude, we would actually learn how to know ourselves. Then we would know what we like, what we need and begin to have some grasp on where we would like to grow. This would actually remove our desire and interest in the grey and vague "hang outs" and move us towards investing in our friends, being genuine and real with one another and maybe, just maybe, put on our grown up underwear and go ask that person on a real-honest-to-goodness-date. We'd make decisions like we make all the time at work, with our money and our life...with real life people.  We'd reach out, meet new people, get butterflies, shake hands, get phone numbers and start a grand adventure! A novel concept, indeed. ;) 

We don't invest and commit because we are scared. And as my Mom says "It is okay to be scared, but it is not okay to stay, dwell and make a home there." We hurt other people because we are in pain. Pain begets pain, and no good can come from it. We must heal our pain by fully grieving the events that have caused our hearts to break. We must face our fears, through taking time to hear ourselves and know ourselves. We got rid of our monsters under our beds as kids by turning on the light and looking. You must seek to find the heart and truth in the matter of your fear and stare it right in the face. 

But first of all, you have to place value and worth on it and chose to do it. 

And I for one, believe that love is a worthy cause to stand up and be counted for.

Let's decriminalize love and commitment by investing and respecting one another. 

Please know, that I am in no way endorsing rushing into any relationship. Take your time, get to know one another yes, but don't let that grey stage go LONGER than it should. Make sure both of you are aware of the expectations you both have coming into the relationship and above all things, communicate with one another about the relationship itself and the needs within it. 

Have a wonderful Valentines Day on the 14th! 

Article that above Valentines Card is from

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