Spring is rather stormy where I live. Mum and I were out for a walk this afternoon, and the clouds were just heavy with rain over the copper speckled hills. The wind was up, and was howling through the valley. I am more used to that kind of wind out on the open ocean, so it was strange to see it ripping over the river as we walked. Ever have those days when you know the person you are with just really needs to get out and talk? I was going to dive back into my studies, but I could sense she needed to unload after a full day. I know I didn't really have a lot to say. But I could listen.
This season of Lent has created a much more introspective view within my heart. I am very much on the edge of the rest of my life and there are a whole myriad of choices ahead of me. Moving, careers, friends, relationships, the future as a whole is up for grabs. Graduation is in June. Classes are done at the end of April. This is both exciting and gut wrenching. I am trying to do my best to be ready for the change, and that means preparing for the loss and gain of much. A change of scene will be good after 11 years. Where that scene will be, I don't know. But it does give me the last shot at making a few things right that I haven't.
I was doing some photo editing for a project that I am working on from a day in May last year. It was really a wonderful day, and I so enjoyed (and benefited ) from all the photos I took there. But there is a shadow cast on the warm feelings I had. There is a man I owe much too, and respect for what it is worth. That was the time in which we were friends and would have never guessed the amount of animosity that has built between us since then. I know I need to make this right, in order to be right before God, I need to set this down. Put aside my fears and ask for two seconds to set myself free from that shadow. And just maybe it will set some part of him free too. I do miss that friendship, and as the ground thaws, I miss my mountain biking buddy, knowing full well I will not have that back. I can't change the past, but I can do my absolute best to make peace with it.
I am such a people pleaser. I tried to set it right before, but not as assertively as I should have. I know I will have no peace until I set this right. We have one shot with all we meet. To greet and leave them with grace. Only God knows how long they will have in our lives. No matter how hurt we are, no matter how angry, no matter how blinded. We still have a aching need to make things honest and true between hearts. All I need is two seconds to make an exiting statement and ask if we can shake hands and depart cordially. That's it. We go on with our lives.
Pray for me if you will, because I know it isn't going to be easy. Months have flown by since we have had an actual conversation. I don't enjoy being wrong, but I hate wronging those who are important to me even more. It gnaws away even when you sleep. I so ache to make this right, because I do not wish to be haunted by it anymore...
After The Storm Lyrics
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair
By Mumford & Sons "After the Storm" [link]
This season of Lent has created a much more introspective view within my heart. I am very much on the edge of the rest of my life and there are a whole myriad of choices ahead of me. Moving, careers, friends, relationships, the future as a whole is up for grabs. Graduation is in June. Classes are done at the end of April. This is both exciting and gut wrenching. I am trying to do my best to be ready for the change, and that means preparing for the loss and gain of much. A change of scene will be good after 11 years. Where that scene will be, I don't know. But it does give me the last shot at making a few things right that I haven't.
I was doing some photo editing for a project that I am working on from a day in May last year. It was really a wonderful day, and I so enjoyed (and benefited ) from all the photos I took there. But there is a shadow cast on the warm feelings I had. There is a man I owe much too, and respect for what it is worth. That was the time in which we were friends and would have never guessed the amount of animosity that has built between us since then. I know I need to make this right, in order to be right before God, I need to set this down. Put aside my fears and ask for two seconds to set myself free from that shadow. And just maybe it will set some part of him free too. I do miss that friendship, and as the ground thaws, I miss my mountain biking buddy, knowing full well I will not have that back. I can't change the past, but I can do my absolute best to make peace with it.
I am such a people pleaser. I tried to set it right before, but not as assertively as I should have. I know I will have no peace until I set this right. We have one shot with all we meet. To greet and leave them with grace. Only God knows how long they will have in our lives. No matter how hurt we are, no matter how angry, no matter how blinded. We still have a aching need to make things honest and true between hearts. All I need is two seconds to make an exiting statement and ask if we can shake hands and depart cordially. That's it. We go on with our lives.
Pray for me if you will, because I know it isn't going to be easy. Months have flown by since we have had an actual conversation. I don't enjoy being wrong, but I hate wronging those who are important to me even more. It gnaws away even when you sleep. I so ache to make this right, because I do not wish to be haunted by it anymore...
After The Storm Lyrics
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair
By Mumford & Sons "After the Storm" [link]
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